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buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night