When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
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Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations