Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
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“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
rise and shine we got egg
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*