Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
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If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
My Plans 2020
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!