I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
You Might Also Like
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.