Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
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I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
🙂🙃🥹
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
favorite tropes as memes
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week