Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
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Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath