“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
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Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Yup!
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
favorite tropes as memes
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?