My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
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ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow