ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
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Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.