I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
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Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Self-cleaning conscience
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
How times have changed.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.