i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
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there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
i hate you platonically
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
socratic questions
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.