Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
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[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
any last words?
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.