me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
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the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.