Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
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Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
🙄😏😂🤣
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.