My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
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Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Tastes like chicken.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay