So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
You Might Also Like
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold