“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
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*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
i prefer mine room temperature.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
yeah 😭
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She