Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
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on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Me driving through Toronto
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
I came this close!!!!
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
it is time once again
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total