{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
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Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*