I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
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(2022)
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
road rage
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”