The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
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“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
He’s dead
Why font matters.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?