I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
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If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
This is me 🤣🤣
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit