Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
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If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?