What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
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Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success