If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
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If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.