It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
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“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.