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I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”