Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
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Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook