hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
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Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
My neck my back my allergy attack
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.