Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
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Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE