It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
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Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping