Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
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Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals