My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
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Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Smile they said.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
A leaf blower, but for people.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?