They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
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I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
i choose….tongue