3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
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them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
WHO DID THIS?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t