“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
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Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT