Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
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1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
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Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Growing out my freckles.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Bless you
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Only short people can save us
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Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
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i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
This hospital has everything
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it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY