Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
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[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Siri: Retweet me.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
My brain is a bad influence on me
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.