Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
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me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
spot the difference
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ