No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
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As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.