(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
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If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Catering service
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby