WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
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When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
the red hot silly peppers
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.