Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
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First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”