“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
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i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
The internet is full of many things
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
s
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Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.