I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
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You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
This line from Airplane.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/