King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
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What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead