What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
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Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.