Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
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Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”