Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
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So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
the council will decide your fate
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
a badder mouse
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone